That line — 'I just didn’t expect it to be this hard' — is one of the most common things I hear from parents in the early days of feeding.".

We’re told that feeding is natural. And that makes sense — all mammals do it, and it seems to work just fine for them. So, it’s easy to assume there’s some instinct that kicks in when your baby is born and you’ll know what to do.

But when that doesn’t happen — or worse, when your baby is struggling to latch and you don’t know how to help — it can turn something you were looking forward to into an experience that’s so emotional, you don’t even know how to start talking about it.

In this blog, I want to help you understand why feeding feels so hard — and what you can do to make it easier — so you can move toward the feeding experience you were hoping to have.

If you’d like to take one step back and understand what reflexes actually are — before diving into how they show up during feeding — you might want to start with this blog first. 

Is Feeding Natural?

Feeding is natural — but not in the way most people think.

It’s natural for your baby, because they’re born with reflexes that help them latch, feed, and grow. But for you? It’s not instinct. It’s a skill.

And it’s a skill that’s biologically meant to be learned through social connection — by watching other people feed their babies, long before your own ever arrives. But that’s not the experience most of us have anymore.

So instead, you’re learning an incredibly nuanced skill in real time, often with very little guidance… with a baby who can’t tell you what they need, and a deep desire to get it right. Of course it feels overwhelming sometimes.

Honestly, the fact that we manage to feed our babies at all? That might be the biggest testament to instinct — not the kind that tells you how to latch, but the kind that drives you to do whatever it takes to meet your baby’s needs.

While your baby’s reflexes are the instinctive part, getting them to work with your body takes positioning, timing, and a little troubleshooting. And if no one has ever explained how those reflexes work, it’s easy to accidentally block the very things that are meant to make feeding easier.

And if your baby’s reflexes aren’t firing in the right order just yet, or you have certain anatomy variations that make things trickier, it can make your situation feel so much harder than someone else’s — while looking completely the same to the outside world.

What Makes It Hard.

If your baby was born with built-in reflexes to help them feed… then why does it still feel so hard?

A big part of the answer is that most of us unintentionally interrupt those reflexes — not because we meant to, but because of how we were taught. Most of the education around breastfeeding and chestfeeding barely touches on infant reflexes. And when it does, it’s often either too surface-level or pulled so far out of context that it doesn’t actually help us understand how babies use those reflexes to feed.

And that disconnect makes feeding harder.

Across the entire mammal world — from joeys in a pouch to beluga whales in Arctic waters — babies are born with reflexes that help them move to the nipple, find it, and latch. The milk-producing parent doesn’t put the nipple into the baby’s mouth. She holds the baby close, keeps them supported, and lets the baby use their reflexes to feed.

That pattern is nearly universal…
Except for humans.

Somehow, we’ve started feeding babies like they’re baby birds — aiming and placing the nipple into their mouth, instead of helping their reflexes do what they’re designed to do.

And when that instinctive pattern gets interrupted — by swaddling, head-holding, sandwiching, or well-meant techniques that override the baby’s lead — feeding stops feeling natural. Because we’ve stepped away from what’s actually natural for babies.

Now — if your baby’s reflexes are firing smoothly from day one, and you don’t have any anatomical challenges that make it harder to get comfortable or harder for your baby to latch — it might all go fine without much effort.

But if you’re not in that group — and most of us aren’t — the way we’ve been taught to help might actually be making things harder than they need to be.

Feeding Reflexes

Your baby has more reflexes than you might realize — all working to help them latch, feed, and grow. These reflexes aren’t random. They’re part of a system designed to help your baby do exactly what they’re supposed to: move toward the nipple, open wide, latch deeply, and start feeding.

Each reflex plays a specific role, and they build on one another in a predictable order. When that sequence flows smoothly, feeding can feel effortless. But even small disruptions can throw things off just enough to make latching harder.

Here’s a quick overview of how these reflexes work together during feeding:

• Positioning Reflexes — Help your baby turn toward contact, find the nipple, align their body, and stay stable during feeding.
• Latching Reflexes — Trigger movements like opening the mouth wide, bringing the nipple in, and sealing the latch.
• Sucking Reflexes — Kick in once the latch is formed to help your baby draw milk effectively.

You don’t need to memorize each one. But knowing your baby has a built-in sequence — and that it’s meant to lead — can shift the way you think about latching. You’re not trying to get your baby to do something. You’re supporting something their body is already trying to do.

That small shift — from controlling the latch to supporting it — is often a huge turning point.

When Reflexes Don’t Fire Smoothly

Your baby’s reflexes are there from birth — but that doesn’t mean they always show up exactly how or when they’re supposed to.

Sometimes, the reflexive connection on your baby’s end just isn’t fully developed yet. That’s especially common if your baby was born early or seems tense and overwhelmed during the feed. Their body might still be figuring out how to coordinate everything — and that can make latching harder.

It might look like your baby “forgets” how to suck once the nipple is in their mouth. One feed, they’re sucking well. The next, they just open and wait… and then get frustrated. And because it’s not consistent, it’s easy to feel confused — or like something’s wrong — even when it’s just a reflex still trying to find its rhythm.

Sometimes, it’s not about your baby at all. Your own anatomy might make it harder to position them in a way that supports their reflexes. For example, laid-back positions can be tricky if you have large breasts and can’t easily see your baby’s face without adjusting your setup to better match your body.

And sometimes, it’s both. A baby with an underdeveloped suck reflex and a parent with flat nipples, for instance, adds extra layers of difficulty — not because anything is wrong, but because everything has to line up just right for the reflexes to fire. And if no one’s ever shown you what to line up? It can feel impossible.

The most common thing parents say in this moment?

“It doesn’t make sense. Sometimes it works… sometimes it doesn’t.”

And they’re right. It doesn’t make sense — unless you’re looking at it through a reflexive lens.

Confidently Moving Forward

Not all feeding problems have the same root cause — because every baby has their own unique set of reflexive patterns and challenges.

Sometimes, the biggest issue is simply that your baby isn’t being held in a way that lets their reflexes fire in the right order. And in those cases, even small shifts in positioning or timing can make a big difference.

Other times, the solution is trickier and takes more time — especially if your baby needs extra support to develop a certain reflex, or if there are anatomical factors involved. But even then, it’s never about you doing something wrong. And it’s definitely not because you haven’t figured out the one magical position that makes everything work.

The truth is: there is no one-size-fits-all technique. Feeding isn’t about memorizing steps — it’s about learning why reflexes matter, and how to support your baby in the moment, with the body and reflexes they have right now.

Because once you understand what’s really going on underneath the surface, you can stop second-guessing yourself and your instincts — and just embrace the learning process you’re already in. Because you are already everything your baby needs.