Most latching advice focuses on what you should do with your hands and body: where to hold your baby, how to aim the nipple, how to get them on quickly before they fuss.

What that advice often skips over is how babies are actually wired to latch.

Babies don’t latch because they’re placed into position.

They latch because of reflexes — automatic movement patterns they’re born with that help them open wide, coordinate their tongue and jaw, and attach to feed.

When those reflexes get to lead the process, latching tends to feel easier, because that's the roadmap their brain uses to know how to feed.

When they don’t, feeding often feels rushed, shallow, or painful — even when positioning looks “right.”

Reflexes Have an Order — and Timing Matters

Here’s the simplest way to think about it:

Reflexes are made to work in a sequence. This helps the brain do the right things in the right order and keeps feeding safe.

When that sequence has time to unfold, your baby opens wide before they try to latch.
When that sequence is rushed or skipped, your baby often closes their mouth before they ever open wide.

That one moment — the order — is everything.

When babies close too soon, the latch is already compromised before feeding even really starts. That’s when latching feels pinchy, unstable, or like you’re constantly starting over.

This is why so many parents say,

“My baby just won’t open wide,” or “They snap shut as soon as they touch the nipple.”

It’s not stubbornness. It’s timing. 

Latching is Only Instinctive for Your Baby

This is another place where a lot of confusion (and guilt) creeps in.

Latching is instinctive for your baby — not for you.

Your baby is born with reflexes that guide feeding.

You’re born with a different set of instincts: to protect your baby, comfort them, stroke them, and respond quickly when they’re distressed.

Those instincts are powerful and important. They keep your baby safe.

But reading reflex cues, waiting for the right moment, and actually latching your ? That part is learned.

Feeding requires you to respond to a moving, changing baby in the moment — and that takes practice, not perfection. Nothing about struggling means you’re missing an instinct. It just means you’re learning a skill.

Why Traditional Latching Advice Often Feels So Hard

Traditional latching approaches tend to prioritize speed and control:

• Getting the nipple into the mouth quickly
• Guiding the baby into place
• Holding them steady so feeding can start

Sometimes this works — especially with babies who are very easy to latch.

But for many babies and bodies, this approach skips over the reflexive part of the process. When reflexes don’t get a chance to organize the movement, babies may:

• Open and close quickly
• Get frustrated
• Latch shallowly
• Pull on and off repeatedly

That’s exhausting for everyone.

A reflexive approach doesn’t force feeding to happen.
It sets the stage so your baby’s body can do what it’s already wired to do.

What Changes When You Work With Reflexes

When reflexes are allowed to lead:

• Babies participate more actively
• Mouths open wider before latching
• Timing feels less frantic
• Feeding feels more coordinated and calm

Instead of trying to “make” a latch happen, you’re responding to cues that are already there — just in the right order.

This doesn’t mean feeding suddenly becomes effortless.
It means the process starts to make more sense.

Feeding Is for All Bodies — Some Just Have a Harder Path

One of the most important things to say out loud is this:

Feeding babies is for all bodies.
It’s just harder for some bodies than others.

That can be because of breast or chest shape, baby anatomy, tension, birth experiences, or how reflexes are showing up early on. None of that is a personal failure. It’s just information.

A reflexive approach doesn’t assume a “standard” body or baby. It works with this baby, this body, and this moment — adapting as needed.

What to Try Next

Understanding reflexes helps explain why latching has felt hard — especially when you’ve been trying everything you were told to try.

The next step isn’t trying harder.

It’s learning how to support your baby’s reflexes during feeding, so they can open wider and latching can start to feel better.

If you want a clear, step-by-step walk-through of how to do that, this blog post shows you exactly how to use your baby’s reflexes to get a good latch.

You’re not behind, and you haven’t been doing it wrong. You’re learning — and your baby is learning too.

With the right framework, feeding doesn’t have to stay this hard.